Family Rulez, Boyz Drool

If you're like me, you tend to dwell on things that should just be forgotten. Oops. But luckily I've received a reality check that has gotten me back to the "Old Hannah."

And I promise this will be my only post about heartbreak. Yuck, I know. But everyone could benefit from this, because I know there are some other "dwellers" out there.

My cousin came to visit me at school this weekend. We used to be inseparable before high school, but we went our separate ways and eventually found each other again recently. I learned a lot about her just from those three days—she has a great boyfriend (who was willing to drive three hours after her eight phone calls and fifteen text messages at 2 am: a definite keeper), she had to go through a lot of rough spots to get where she is today, and she can give some pretty damn good advice.

I hadn’t gotten any advice like this before—I guess it was more special because it was coming from someone so important to me, so completely honest and uncensored. She could see the hurt in my eyes, feel the pain I was hiding, and understand everything I was thinking. I was heartbroken, but I won’t go into any more details than that. For once, I felt as though I wasn’t being judged for how I was feeling or why I was upset. We sat in bed talking for three hours that night, and those three hours brought us closer than the twelve years of childhood we had together.

She told me about how she was heartbroken before, and how she felt exactly how I felt, so utterly defeated, used, and devastated. Relief sank in with every grueling detail she added to her past, knowing that if she made it through this than I can too.

But then when her stories came to an end, she said something that really stuck with me: it upset her to see me like this because she knew I was never the girl to let a boy bring me down. I used to get up and move on from rejection, like it was nothing. I used to know that if it didn’t work out, it just meant there was something better for me coming next. But now I’m this girl, almost dwelling on something that just isn’t, and letting this dominate my life. I needed to be reminded that I am still that girl; the one she knows she’s really special and important, the one who knows if the guy doesn’t realize it, it’s time to find the one who does.

Luckily, she gave me a reality check. She told me that I am this wonderful, beautiful, smart, passionate person that anyone would be lucky to have. I have a great family, a good head on my shoulders, and a bright future. And if this boy doesn’t want me, then fine. You are wasting your time on a person who is blind to what you can offer, and will just miss out on such a great girl. I needed to be strong and move on, because in reality, it’s his loss.

She then told me how she’s so happy with her current boyfriend, how he loves her and knows how special she is. She doesn’t ever think about the boy who broke her heart, which is something she never would’ve thought could happen at the time. On top of all of this, she told me about how that boy texted her after he saw she was in a relationship, five years later. He wanted to know if it was serious—because he finally realized how great of a girl she was, and wanted to be with her.

She looked at me and smiled, telling me how great it was to tell the boy who broke her heart that she was over him and not interested at all. She told him she finally found the guy who wasn’t blinded to what she could offer; he knew she was wonderful, beautiful, smart, and passionate. It was too late for him to get her back; he had lost her chance with her forever.

Not only did I reestablish my relationship with her, but I got some of the best advice in a long time. I guess you can say I’m back to my old self—I know what I have and who deserves it.

This boy who broke my heart shouldn’t deserve any more of my time. I’m waiting for the next thing life throws at me, knowing I can expect greater things from here. I just can’t wait to get that text from him, telling me he knows he missed out on such a great girl.

Because the only reply he’s going to get is, “Sorry, but you’re too late.”

Happiness Your Way

Do what you love doing, no matter what other people say. It's your life, not theirs. So prove them wrong, use their doubt as motivation, and be sucessful where they thought you would fail.

As a college student, you are guaranteed to get asked one question multiple times: what is your major? It’s the go-to question for everyone, whether you’re at a party, applying for a job, or talking to your Great Aunt Gertrude at the family reunion.

For some, answering this question may exert a sense of pride, confidence, or arrogance. Every time you have the chance to say you are a  business major, health sciences major, engineering major, or a computer science major, a feeling of satisfaction crawls deep under your skin as fast as your future paycheck will grow. When you tell strangers you’re planning on being a doctor, or an accountant, or an engineer, they look at you like wow—this kid is going places.

For others, answering this question could be more difficult. Whether you are undecided or are studying a career field which others don’t believe is important, you feel embarrassed or ashamed telling people your major. I used to be in this category; telling people I was a writing major usually resulted in them saying, “Oh, isn’t that just a hobby?” or “There aren’t any real jobs out there for that major, are there?” or the ever hurtful reply of just, “Huh..” There were no wows or impressive gasps, just a look of puzzlement and a lack of amazement. People weren’t impressed with my career choice and doubted my decisions. This started to make me doubt myself as well.

 It was so much worse when you were surrounded with friends who were business or health majors, because I just looked like the unmotivated, stupid, and unsuccessful student compared to them. Getting these types of reactions definitely hindered my confidence in what I wanted to do, and I almost switched majors in order for others to be happy with what I was doing.

But then I realized it wasn’t up to others to decide what I should pursue. I know with all my heart that I want to be a writer. Not an accountant, not a doctor, and not a computer genius.  No amount of judging looks or disconcerting questions should ever sway what I love doing. Okay, it will be difficult to find a job right out of college or land that internship with Seventeen Magazine. But just because it seems unlikely for me to achieve doesn’t mean that I have to give up trying altogether.

All of these forces pushing against me, like my parents, the likeliness of getting a job, and even my friends having great majors, only push me harder in the direction I want to go in. I want to show them that I can do this—that my determination is stronger than any doubt crossing my path. I want all the people who reacted unimpressed when I said, “I’m going to be a writer,” to see my name in the magazines or on the front cover of a book and say “Wow, she was right.” I want all the people who told me I couldn’t do it, who told me that I should just resort to getting a decent job with my looks, and how I should just marry a rich man in order to be happy, to see that my desired path in life will make me even happier.

With this new found desire to prove everyone wrong, I’m no longer embarrassed when I tell people my major. So what if I’m not among the elite business CEOs or the brain surgeons or the Apple software creators?  I’m happy with the direction I’m headed, even if it’s a little less planned out or guaranteed than if I had a business degree.

So go ahead: doubt me, question me, and bring me down all you want.

I am going to be a writer.

Beyonce Who?

I think it's time to give all you people a little tough love. The facebook statuses have really raised a red flag, and quite frankly, you're giving the female population a bad rep. Stop feeling bad about the five pounds you've gained (those Big Macs were pretty damn good), or the fact you don't have a boyfriend (boys suck anyways). You're not getting the attention you deserve with this negative outlook you have on yourself.
No one is going to love you if you can’t love yourself.

Here’s your morning routine, right? Get up, eat, brush your teeth, and get dressed. But somewhere between cleaning those pearly whites and tying your last shoe lace, you do something that should not be a part of your morning: you judge, critique, and envision yourself looking different than you do. But however wrong that habit is, you just know that you’d be more beautiful with blue eyes instead of brown, or if you were a little bit taller, or if you were five pounds thinner.

While you’re going down the check list of things you want to change about yourself, you are doing more than envisioning a different you: you aren’t embracing the beautiful things you offer to the world right now. So what if your hair isn’t as long as you’d like it to be, or if you’re not as tan as that one girl, or if you hate the gap in your teeth. There are people in the world who think you’re beautiful the way you are right now, so why can’t you see it?

When I see Facebook statuses about how girls think they’re so ugly or fat, or the reason why a certain guy doesn’t like them is because of the way they look, I get concerned about these insecure thoughts. First of all, if I see one more post from a skinny, blonde, pretty girl about being ugly, I might scream. You are beautiful to begin with, and your negative outlook on yourself just makes you ugly. So, seriously, stop with the depressing status. (My newsfeed is starting to look like a teenaged girl’s diary. Not cool.)

Second of all, if you’re worried that a guy doesn’t like you because of your looks, he isn’t good enough for you to begin with! Cliché or not, you want to find someone who wants to be with you, without caring about how you look in a little black dress or tight jeans. (Which are both uncomfortable anyways. So find a guy who likes you in sweats. That guy is definitely a keeper.)

Instead of always worrying about what you look like, or how much you eat, or what other people think of you, start loving what you already offer. Whether it’s how great you play a sport, how awesome you can sing, or how much you love to write (holler), be happy with what you can put out there so people can appreciate you.

But before anyone can appreciate who you are, you have to realize you are perfect the way you are. (Don’t believe me? Just ask Bruno Mars.) Okay, you don’t look like Giselle Bundchen or Beyoncé, but in reality, what normal person does? Unless you have a bazillion dollars to spend on a killer wardrobe, stylist, and personal trainer, you can’t look like that. So end your wish list of the things you want to look like, and make a list of the things you love about yourself. Love you freckles? Your smile? Your red hair? Embracing the qualities you have only radiates confidence and self-assurance, which are qualities that actually attract the boys or friends , and will just make you plain happier. (And who doesn’t want to be happy? I mean, you are reading my blog, AKA happiness on a webpage...)

So enough with the depressing statuses and the unnecessary morning routine of judging yourself. The statuses just make me angry and the judging just adds a few extra minutes more than you need in the morning, so cut the crap. Be happy with who you are right now. You can offer things that even Giselle and Beyoncé can’t offer. Accept your flaws, love your uniqueness. Chances are that certain boy, your friends, and the world have.

We’re all just waiting on you.

Fortunate Failure

Obviously it sucks to fail. But instead of crying in the fetal position for five hours about it, gather up the strength and determination to try it again, only ten times better than you did before. Okay, so you don't want to risk the embarrassment of failing again, but what if you pass up an opportunity of success? To me, that's worse than the risk of failing twice. You only fail if you give up trying.

Failure.

What an awful, cringe-worthy, terrible word. Whether it is a big, fat red “D” on your math test, a missed goal kick from only a few feet away, or not achieving that one thing you wanted more than anything in the world—you failed.

What should you do now? Burn your math test? Hide in shame from your teammates? Or call your parents and sob on the phone until you feel slightly better? I mean, you have no other choice, right?

Yeah, you feel pretty sucky and you know that your parents definitely like your sibling better after you bombed the test, and the coach regrets ever letting you join the team, and you definitely can’t do anything you want anymore because you’ll just fail again. But have you ever thought that maybe getting a bad grade or missing a goal wasn’t failure—but instead you fail by giving up on yourself afterwards?

By no means did I have this outlook on failure before. I was that pathetic girl who called her parents sobbing because the newspaper didn’t want to take my story. I felt as though my passion, talent, and motivation weren’t good enough, so I ultimately failed. I wanted to give up.

But then my dad told me something worthwhile: you only fail if you give up trying.

Huh.

Once I dramatically hung up the phone and dried the rest of my tears away, I started thinking. Maybe he’s right: sure, the newspaper didn’t want to publish my work, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad writer. So do I give up on something I love to do just because of one rejection? Hell no.

I make a blog. (And the first story is the rejected one from the newspaper. Oh, they’ll regret their rejection once I become a famous blogger. Muahaha). Creating this blog gave me a new strength and happiness that I thought could only be achieved if I was published in the newspaper. But I was wrong—if I had given up after that, I would have never known how great it would feel to write for myself in this blog.

So while you’re sitting alone feeling sorry for yourself after your infamous D on your math test (for the record, it was a D+…that counts for something, right?),  or about how you missed the biggest goal of the game, or about the story you passionately wrote that didn’t make it into the paper, think about what you just experienced.  

You were momentarily knocked down, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay down.  You have the strength to keep going, so rub the dirt off, and get back up. If you don’t taste failure, you’ll never be able to savor success. So don’t give up, or else you really did fail.

I mean, take it from Chumbawumba: you get knocked down, but you get up again. And you’ve got to listen to a band with a name like that.

Green Means Go

Here it is: the long awaited first blog. Okay, maybe not the "long awaited" blog, but it is the first one. Ever. After reading it, all you lovely people will understand why it's called the "Green Light Diaries."

So go ahead, get reading.

Okay, so you have a huge test coming up and you have to spend the next 48 hours in Carrier trying to study. But not only that, you have rush events the next two nights, a group meeting tomorrow, and you have to squeeze in Skyping your mom. And to top it all off, you just found out the cutie in your history class has a girlfriend. Whomp whomp whomp.

With this laundry list of things to do, you can do one of two things: have a complete mental breakdown (which may or may not include: hair pulling, hysterical crying, gulping down a box of Oreos, and/or pacing back and forth thinking “walking it off” will help), or step back from the madness and appreciate what comes easy in life: happiness. Okay, you’re right: I guess I can’t say all happiness comes easy in life. A lottery ticket for a billion dollars won’t mysteriously appear in your calculus book or your crush in history class won’t break up with his girlfriend because he’s suddenly fallen in love with you. But there are some things that are more likely to ease the fifty pound load on your back if you just take a second to notice them.

Trust me: I’m the same stressed out, bummed out, and freaked out college student, just like everyone else on campus. So, naturally, I was driving home from campus today in the absolute worst mood ever. I was going down the list of things I still had to do, all while sneezing and coughing from this confusing valley weather. While I was mentally cussing out innocent drivers, I noticed that I was already on Port Republic Road without hitting one red light. I kept driving past the Outpost and made it all the way to South View without stopping once. Okay seriously, how many times has that happened? Or how many times has that happened and you actually noticed it? The thought of making it all the way home without one red light (and one pretty great song on the radio) made me forget all my assignments that are due and actually made me smile. I never would have thought that one simple thing could make the anxiety of a swamped college student disappear.

Knowing that this little phenomenon eased some of the stress taking over my life, I tried to notice and embrace the other little stuff that could make me happier. Whether it was how I got the butterflies in my stomach driving down the hill on Cantrell, or how it was so great to get the first piece of pizza out of the oven at E-Hall, or finally getting the last jug of Arnold Palmer at Food Lion. All of these little things made my day a little more bearable, as if somehow their little simple magic paused my life for a little and forced me to take a breath—a real deep breath—and realize it will be okay. No amount of math problems, pages to be read, or heartbreak can completely break me down.

Try to notice how little, everyday things can make you feel so happy in stressful times. How great did you feel after checking your mailbox for days to finally see a letter (even if it was a flyer from Domino’s), or how relieved did you feel when you typed that last sentence of an impossible five page essay? Chances are you felt so great. The stress, the frustration, the bad mood, and doubt all just fled your mind for a moment while you embraced the simple things that make you happy.

So while you’re stuck on the second floor of Carrier for the third night in a row, barely staying awake and noticing you should probably take a break to shower, remember to take note of the simple things that can make you smile, even if it’s just for a second. Because while you’re getting carried away with the papers that are due, or the boys (or girls) who aren’t interested, or the weather that can’t make up its mind, there’s always a way to make you happy.

So throw your stuffed bookbag in the back seat, blast the music with the windows down, and enjoy every green light you get to cruise through until you get home.